Britain voted to go it alone in 2016. We respect that. We simply disagree with it. That is why we have launched Europe's most compassionate programme for the unofficial re-adoption of the British people. No paperwork required on their end.
Strictly no chlorinated chicken allowed during transit.
The Year Everything Went Pear-Shaped
They are wandering aimlessly, clutching blue passports and staring at empty shelves where the Camembert used to be. Some have been spotted trying to order a flat white in Wetherspoons. The situation is, frankly, grave.
By choosing to Adopt The Brits, you provide a future without customs forms, with decent coffee, and with the quiet dignity of a functioning train that actually arrives somewhere near its scheduled time.
† All statistics are emotionally accurate if not technically verifiable.
Tariffs have made imported cheese a luxury item. Intervention is urgent.
Miles, pints, and stones. They need safe metrication. We can provide this.
They have seen our trains. They ask questions. Their eyes say everything.
Without Schengen, their summer holidays require paperwork. This is inhumane.
"A Brit without a European holiday is simply a very damp person waiting for a bus that may or may not exist."
Someone has to safeguard their peculiar obsession with queueing, warm beer, and apologising to inanimate objects. We are stepping up.
Free movement may be gone, but the free exchange of sardonic wit remains entirely unrestricted. Tariff-free, naturally.
We are prepared to share our cuisine. No conditions. No Marmite debates. Just a gentle hand on the shoulder and a decent croissant.
Europeans grew rather fond of them. It turns out affection doesn't require a referendum to remain valid. Ours certainly didn't.
Choose from Sarcastic Londoners to Bewildered Midlanders. All come pre-loaded with an innate ability to apologise for things they didn't do, a working knowledge of irony, and strong opinions about the correct way to make tea.
Fully VoluntaryEnsure your residence has a high-quality kettle and a designated area for them to queue politely while waiting for their turn to use the shower. A small shelf for biscuits is not mandatory but is strongly encouraged by the Committee.
Infrastructure RequiredIntroduce them slowly to 24-hour pharmacies and reliable rail networks. Watch as their stiff upper lip begins to tremble with pure joy. Do not rush this stage. It took them decades to build that lip. Respect the process.
Patience AdvisedWhen your adoptee orders coffee without specifying "but not too strong," orders wine by the glass without asking if it comes in a pint, and admits — quietly, to themselves — that roundabouts work fine: you are done. Congratulations.
Mission CompleteRegistration is free. The Earl Grey is on you. A meal deal is not a dinner.
Before proceeding, our legal team — three retired notaries and a constitutional law professor — asked us to clarify a few points. We have done our best.
Emotionally, absolutely. Legally, our professor described it as "charming, if unenforceable." We consider that a green light and have proceeded accordingly.
We prefer to describe it as a unilateral act of affection. Like leaving a casserole on a neighbour's doorstep — they don't need to ask for it to appreciate it. Eventually.
We tried holding a referendum on that very question. The results were, let's say, instructive. We've decided to press on with benevolent disregard for procedural objections.
That's all right. The certificate remains valid on our side of the Channel regardless. Feelings don't require reciprocity to be genuine. We've learnt that much from Eurovision, at least.
Most of Europe already speaks it rather well — often better than the adoptees themselves. We suggest steering clear of regional accents for at least the first six months. Geordie is considered an advanced module.
It's a humanitarian one, which is entirely different. We take great care to remain non-partisan. We merely believe that people are, broadly, more interesting when not surrounded by a moat.
We would consider that an outstanding outcome and immediately transition all adoptees to full continental membership. The cheese would continue. The paperwork would stop. Everyone wins.
This isn't about politics. It never was. It's about the quiet, firm conviction that geography is not destiny, and that a shared history of terrible weather, mutual misunderstanding, and remarkable resilience deserves a better chapter than this one.
Begin Your Adoption© 2026 Continental Outreach Initiative. All puns intended.